Stones and walls

"Only a fool trips on what's behind him."

The past is over and we should move on is what I get out of this statement. But should nothing in the past be tripped over now and then? If you look back and try to understand it so you can grow, is that tripping? I see how people say your not supposed to build barriers to protect yourself, but isn't it also stupid not too? Since I don't have all day to ponder this, I say trip over what's behind you now and then. Learn from it and grow. Then move on and try to avoid the big stones. Learn to be happy and love again but a small wall never hurt anyone. People should have walls and boundaries to let only those who are worthy in.

What to do?

I was thinking about making a blog elsewhere so I can write what I want and know that people aren't reading everything I write and hating my guts. It's too big of a pain since there are shockingly no blog apps to choose from besides this one. So I guess now my choice is write what I want and be hated, or give up in the idea of blogging. Obviously I brought this problem on myself by being who I am. One can't have as many enemies as I and not realize where the problem lies. I'm a difficult person to live with or to love. I really don't mean to be but have not learned how to restrain myself. It's always been hard for me to connect with people and even harder to stay connected. I lose myself in my own world or judge people too harshly. Maybe I make myself unlovable to keep people away. No matter. The end result is that I would love to pour my heart out into a blog but maybe a journal would be the smarter way to go. 

A tribute to Nana

My Nana passed away and this page is dedicated to her.

This is the note I sent with flowers for her funeral:

I love you, I love you, I love you!
Our souls touched and we said goodbye.
We hugged and kissed and you heard my cry,
when your an angel make sure you fly by. <3

Love, Rachel and family

This is her obituary:

Enid Atkins Rasmussen
February 7, 1921 ~ April 29, 2013 Our precious mother, grandmother, great-grandmother, sister and friend passed away peacefully on April 29th, 2013. She was the second of eight children raised by her parents, Henry Harwood Atkins and Lola Pearl Ellison, in Cardston, Alberta. Her childhood was filled with much joy and laughter and she treasured those vibrant memories her entire life. After graduating from Calgary Normal School, she taught grades one through nine in a rural one room schoolhouse for four years delighting many children with her witty charm and spunky demeanor. She married her high school sweetheart, L. Merrill Rasmussen, in 1943. She will be dearly missed and forever loved by her two children, Ronald Lyman (Colleen) Rasmussen of Layton, Utah and Karen (Merrill) Bunker of Bountiful, Utah, nine grandchildren and 23 great-grandchildren. Enid was blessed with a wonderful singing voice and enjoyed reading, watching the Utah Jazz, travelling, playing Scrabble and Rumikub with the grandchildren, and tending to her flower garden. She was famous for her Jumbo Raisin Cookies, bunwiches, and gourmet breakfasts. With babies, she was an entertainer and snuggler extraordinaire. Enid had impeccable style and will be lovingly remembered as a regal and classy woman. We will remember her beautiful smile, determination, integrity and zest for life. Though limited by dementia in later years, she remained sweet and uncomplaining to the end. She was beautiful through and through and a constant example to her posterity of facing your trials with grace and dignity. Although she will be missed immensely by her family here, she had longed to be reunited with her mother and father and we are happy in the knowledge she has been set free to rejoin them. We are so proud of the life she lived and the legacy she left. Funeral services will be held at 11:00 a.m. Saturday, May 4 at the Bountiful Meuller Park Stake Center, 1800 East Meuller Park Rd. (1800 South), Bountiful, Utah. Friends may call at the church from 9:45 to 10:45 prior to services. Interment in Bountiful City Cemetery. Funeral Directors: Aspen Funeral Services.

Published in Salt Lake Tribune from May 2 to May 3, 2013

And the pictures are of the flowers I sent, Nana, and my bird Ed, who hatched on her birthday and so I consider him to be a gift from her. Love you Nana! Kiss kiss kiss kiss kiss! :)

The prodigal son

Today's gospel reading was the parable of the prodigal son. This, along with the story of Mary Magdeline, is one of my favorite scriptures. To me, the prodigal son is a story about a man who loses his soul to the world. He forgets all about the love his father has for him, even though his father never forgets how much he loves his son. And then there is the other brother. The one who never left. The father explains that everything that the father has this son too has but that his other son was lost and is now found. An interesting interpretation of this is that the son who is jealous and mad, is now the son who is lost. I mean, what is lost? Jesus says to forgive and this parable is the type of forgiveness I think He means. I know I have a handful of people that I can't seem to forgive that way. And so I am more like the brother when it comes to forgiving and less like the father. God forgives us each time we fail and come back to Him again. He loves us and he opens his arms and rejoices to see us return. As I was going through RCIA I asked the priest about this very thing because of my family. His answer was that as long as people continue to harm you then you should forgive but not let them back in. If they are through harming you then yes, you should forgive and let them back in. This is a part of the story I often forget as I ponder it. The prodigal son chose to go back to his father and he begged for forgiveness. The father had forgiveness in his heart all along, but he didn't rejoice with his son until his son came to him. It's a slight consolation for me anyway. I haven fully forgiven but I'm working on it.

Family ties

The bond between a mother and a child is so natural that to not have a bond with my mom is still strange to me today. It's been nearly 5 years since I've spoke with my family. I wonder if I would be able to count the years if I didn't have a baby the year we had our final fall out. Eventually a lifetime will have gone by and nothing will have changed. It's sad. It breaks my heart. But it's also over. Any ties that may have existed have been severed and bridges burned. What kind of lessons can be learned from such things? Watch what family you're born into? Never open your heart up? And so, I've learned nothing.

I don't really know why today was the day to blog that. I haven't blogged in nearly a year and never about that topic. Who knows if I'll blog more again. I guess that's the lesson I learned. Don't blog. I wish I could feel free again to write my life down for others to read, but I don't.